Three years of grieving my brother's suicide

In 2018, my brother passed away by suicide following a 10 years battle of chronic pain and subsequent mental ill-health. This is how it has felt to be alive, without him, three years later.

This isn’t a sad post it’s a real one. It’s life as it comes served red hot as we coexist and co-create this absolute infinite loop of possibly. Grief has proven itself invaluable. I still cry often and a lot - but I cry with love. Tears of joy and moments of absolute happiness - contrasting the pain of loss as I also grieve parts of myself.

It’s true, time does heal. I don’t pretend to understand. There’s no more assumptions, no blame or guilt. I accept this reality. This experience. I’ve written the narrative so many times I’ve found a way to make it work for me. Redefining my relationship with my brother, spiritually - he has folded back into matter. He will always matter. He is sunshine, the bird in the tree and every set of eyes that cross my path. A new belief.

Each day is so new, so impressive and enough. Most days my only priory is staying present to experience love. And I cannot shake the craving to touch and engage every physical sense more intensely. Being alive is so arousing, I can get myself high in minutes.

Love, joy, anger, sadness … they all fall into one melting pot and it’s human. Being human feels like the best gift I will ever know in this lifetime.

Growth through grief….

I’m more patient

I want to understand

I forgive easily

I don’t pretend

I feel like my heart is always fully exposed

I don’t care what people think

I don’t care how I am perceived

I am in my body

I respect my body

Doing healthy things feels like foreplay

My mind is insatiable

I self sooth like I am both the parent and child of myself

I see life in moments

My family is closer

I feel an insane sense of presence and intimacy in the company of others

I tell my friends and family I love them every chance I get

I am a better friend

I respect vulnerability

I am more convicted

I do things I love everyday

I feel my depth of grief to access my depth of love. I am not scarred, I am free.

We all grieve. Sometimes we don’t even realise we’re in it until we catch a breath or break down. Grieving relationships- betrayal, separation, divorce; job loss; injury; illness (physical/ mentally); neglect; abuse; conviction; death….

There is method to the madness and a mad depth when we reconnect. Stay with yourself