Processing

Because there’s a time to go inward and there’s a time to step out. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Mental health is important. Take time out to care for yourself. Be your own parent.

paisleymadison

Processing

I feel tired,

Restless.

I don’t know if I should exercise or sleep.

How do I know?

Can you tell me?

…who can make me?

Neutral.

I feel nothing.

Not good. Not bad.

Bored of jobs.

So many things to do –

But none of which I want to do.

Not right now.

Not tonight.

I need stimulation.

I need an outlet.

Not sure which angle to take.

The responsible, cultural, financial, long-term or,

The effortless, intelligent, heart-based channel?

TV, food, more coffee, shopping, spending, sleeping, maybe porn or,

music, writing, running, driving, reading or some fuqing craft activity.

Let’s talk, dribble.

About nothing, about something.

Distract me, help me create space for that thought to come through.

I can’t think, like, I cannot.

Nothing is here right now.

No clouds in the sky. My mind is silent.

You talk. I’ll watch and listen.

I appear passive, disinterested.

I’m not engaging with you.

My eyes are glazed over, don’t take it personally.

I hear you, I feel you.

I’m ‘on the fence’ with myself.

Undecided.

Something swirls inside.

Unknown.

Deep down, somewhere.

That space in the middle of myself.

Behind my organs and in front of my spine.

I feel a sense of anticipation, but I’m not anxious.

I could feel anxious, but I know better.

I know this isn’t that,

And I’m too present right now.

I can’t be bothered to think ahead.

Creating, waiting...mostly waiting.

Something unconscious stirs.

Sorting, filing behind the scenes.

I think nothing, even as write.

Effortless dribble, uncorrected, messy, raw, not right.

Not, nothing.

Like being in a dream, but in real life.

What’s the difference?

Floating in and out.

Does it matter?

.

Kids next door play outside my window.

Their voices are so energetic, you know the squeaky type.

I can’t even be bothered to process the sound.

Unphased.

The dogs bark, the water fountain trickles, cars hum.

I leave the lights off, the sun fades into moonlight.

It eases my eyes and feels silky on my mind.

The unread messages of today fade.

I don’t even care to keep my phone close.

I don’t want to let you in, I can’t be bothered with what you have to say.

I can’t add value right now.

How did you witness me today?

Did you see me hide? How pretty was my mask?

How long can I stay here?

How long will this last?

I can be active, I usually am.

But today I was pulled back,

And so I just sat down.

I know this will pass, it always does.

I surrender to myself.

And always with love.

A day off school.

That’s what I needed today,

So I can be fresh, so I can show up tomorrow.

Maybe you should take a day off.

Grab a cuppa, read the weather, do a sleuth.

No judgment here.

Afterthoughts


I really believe that when we express ourselves honestly we make it possible for others to connect to us at a deeper level. And when we feel connected - we feel a sense of purpose and love. And that's something worth sticking around for. I also think it's what carries us through the hard times and dark thoughts.

Its time to normalise the human experience - the good and the bad (hand-in-hand). For as long as we live, there's going to be shit going on!! That's part of this Earth experience - to live and learn, with love!

Paisley MadisonComment